


Lexx

by LucianCarter72



Category: Lexx
Genre: Canadian, Comedy, sci fi, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianCarter72/pseuds/LucianCarter72
Summary: Re-imagining a new beginning to the Lexx franchise.





	Lexx

EXT. SPACE STATION.

A large space station orbits a gas giant world.

INT. SPACE STATION. CONTINUOUS

Janitor STANLEY TWEEDLE (Jon Bon Jovi) sits on a bench in a deserted corridor, sleeping. Tweedle wears an orange jump suit with a cap. His last name is emblazoned on the pocket of his shirt. On the bench beside him is a high tech cleaning device.

SUPERVISOR

(O.S., yelling)

Tweedle!

Stanley bolts awake. He grabs the cleaning device and starts cleaning the bench he was sitting on. His SUPERVISOR (Linda Cardellini), a woman clearly younger than Tweedle, storms up the hall. She wears a much nicer, and cleaner, uniform.

SUPERVISOR

What are you doing?

STANLEY

Cleaning, ma’am.

SUPERVISOR

I told you to clean inside the escape pods!

STANLEY

Yes ma’am.

SUPERVISOR

I swear Tweedle; if you don’t get your act together you’re on the first shuttle back to wherever you came from.

STANLEY

Yes ma’am. Sorry ma’am.

SUPERVISOR

Now get to work!

She takes off down the hall. Stanley makes a nasty face behind her back before he presses the button that opens the airlock into the escape pod.

INT. ESCAPE POD. CONTINUOUS.

The escape pod is about the size of a large mini-van with seating for ten. Shelves line the ceiling. At the front is a control panel and a window that looks out into endless space. Stanley moves to it and begins running the cleaning device over it. The portal slides shut behind him.

STANLEY

(muttering to himself)

Do this Tweedle. Do that Tweedle. I swear I could have been somebody.

Stanley finishes cleaning the control panel and turns to clean the seat. Behind him a portal to hyperspace opens and the LEXX enters normal space. The LEXX is a bio-engineered space vehicle. It looks like a giant insect, almost as large as the station itself. Stanley does not notice it until a transmission begins broadcasting over the escape pod’s internal communication system.

MALE VOICE

(O.S., Richard Dean Anderson)

Attention residents of Space Station Cormar 5. His eminence, the Divine Shadow, has ruled your station to be in league with traitors.

Stanley turns and gapes at the ship.

MALE VOICE

(O.S.)

Your sentence is destruction.

The weapons systems that form the “eyes” on the front of the Lexx begin to glow a fiery red. A shocked Stanley looks down at the control panel and spots the button marked LAUNCH. He pushes it frantically.

EXT. SPACE. CONTINUOUS

There is no sound as the escape pod launches from the station, a tiny speck compare to both it and the Lexx. The weapons system on The Lexx finish charging a blast of energy bursts forward and strikes the station. It explodes in a blast of energy.

INT. ESCAPE POD. CONTINUOUS.

Stanley watches in horror as the station is destroyed. He looks down at the controls.

STANLEY

How do you steer this thing?

He looks up to see the Lexx heading straight for him.

STANLEY

Oh crap.

He frantically studies the controls but the Lexx bears down on him fast. What looks like the beast’s mouth is open and, as he quakes with fear, the ship swallows him.

INT. LEXX.

The escape pod sits inside the belly of the beast. Inside the ship looks organic yet the stomach is a huge open chamber. A robot, 790, approaches the escape pod. The robot is humanoid with a boxy looking head. As it reaches the escape pod it speaks into a receiver on its wrist.

790

(voice Ian Ziering)

Attention occupant. This is 790, under command of the captain of the Lexx. You are ordered to exit your vehicle at once and accompany me to meet the captain.

He pauses.

790

I have been instructed to inform you that, should you choose to remain in your vehicle, the captain will order the Lexx to digest you. I am not programmed to feel pain, but I am led to believe being bathed in acid capable of dissolving even Steel Carbonite is a most unpleasant way to die.

Another pause. Then the escape pod hatch opens and Stanley timidly steps out.

790

Interesting.

STANLEY

What?

790

The sole survivor of our encounter appears to be a member of custodial staff. I would have thought it would be someone important.

STANLEY

Big talk from a messenger bot.

790

I was programmed to fulfil my role. What’s your excuse?

STANLEY

Just shut up and take me to the captain.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE LEXX

The bridge has the same organic look as the rest of the ship. A huge command chair dominates the room. In front of it is a large viewscreen. A number of halls, none with doors, lead off from the bridge. Seated in the command chair is CAPTAIN DARNOK (Richard Dean Anderson). His clothing is less military issue and more like a space pirate or mercenary. He sports an eye patch on his left eye. A high tech whip is strapped to his belt at his right hip.

A woman in a sexy cat suit like outfit is sprawled out on the nearby floor. This is ZEV (Megan Fox).

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Lexx, prepare to re-enter hyperspace.

As he speaks his right hand hovers over a control panel and emits a soft red glow. The Lexx’s voice seems to come from everywhere when it responds.

LEXX

(voice Patrick Warburton)

Yes Captain Darnok.

790 leads a scared looking Tweedle onto the bridge.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Ah, our guest has arrived. I trust 790 welcomed you.

STANLEY

He was kind of a jerk.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

He can be to people he considers inferior. Now, tell me your name.

STANLEY

Tweedle… Stanley Tweedle.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Well, Tweedle Stanley Tweedle. I am Captain Darknok. The lovely woman at my side if Zev. You’ve already met 790 and this ship is known as Lexx. Say hello Lexx.

LEXX

Hello Lexx.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

(chuckling)

They didn’t program him to be smart. Now, Tweedle Stanley Tweedle, please tell me why I shouldn’t kill you where you stand.

STANLEY

(emphatic)

I’m not a traitor!

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Whether you are a traitor or not, you have been deemed a traitor. That is reason enough to kill you.

STANLEY

Please, I’m just a janitor.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

A janitor you say? Yes, I suppose the outfit should have given it away. Why is a janitor the only one who managed to make it to an escape pod?

STANLEY

I was cleaning it.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

It appears the fates have shone upon you, doesn’t it?

STANLEY

I guess.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

But I’ve never been much a believer in destiny. I’ve always made my own. Tell me, Tweedle Stanley Tweedle, did you enjoy your work.

Tweedle is at a loss.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

It’s a simple yes or no question.

STANLEY

No.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

A pity, since you’ll be continuing it here on the Lexx.

STANLEY

You mean you’re not going to kill me?

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Eventually, I probably will. But it might amuse me to watch you slave away at a task you hate and that the Lexx could easily take care of itself. I’ll take immense satisfaction knowing that you know your life is a meaningless exercise meant only to amuse me. Unless you would prefer to die?

STANLEY

(looking down, ashamed)

No, sir.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Excellent, a coward through and through. I should, however, give you a taste of my discipline.

He draws the whip from his belt and flips a switch on the hilt. Energy lights up its length. He suddenly lashes the whip out and strikes Stanley in the shoulder. When the whip hits, a blast of electricity surges through Stanley’s body. He cries out in pain and slumps to his knees.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

(serious)

That was not the highest setting. Pray you never experience it. 790, find our newest staff member an uncomfortable place to sleep. I suggest you try to get some rest Tweedle Stanley Tweedle, your new life begins tomorrow.

MONTAGE

Stanley cleans parts of the massive Lexx. The captain watches him sometimes, and occasionally gives him a lash of the whip for no readily apparent reason. Stanley cleans the ship’s urinals only to have the captain immediately pee in one of them and force him to clean them again.

INT. BRIDGE. LATER.

Captain Darnok sits in the command chair. Zev is again at his side. Stanley enters looking filthy and exhausted.

STANLEY

The garbage storage units are clean.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I hope they sparkle.

LEXX

Ready to come out of hyperspace, captain.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Excellent. Are the weapons systems fully charged?

LEXX

Yes, captain.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Good. Bring us out of hyperspace now.

The viewscreen goes from solid gold to a portal into regular space.

EXT. SPACE. CONTINUOUS.

A blue green planet sits below the Lexx as it exits hyperspace.

INT. BRIDGE. CONTINUOUS.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Lexx, override the planetary communication grid and prepare to broadcast.

LEXX

Yes, captain. Ready to broadcast.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

People of Delvian 4 your attention please. Your planet has been found to be a base of operations for rebels. As a result his Divine Shadow has ordered your planet destroyed. Sentence will be carried out… now. Lexx, end transmission. And now Lexx, blow up the planet.

There is a humming sound as the weapons systems charge.

STANLEY

(shocked)

You’re going to blow up an entire planet because the rebels built a base on it?!

CAPTAIN DARNOK

It will serve as a deterrent to others who may harbor rebels.

EXT. SPACE. CONTINUOUS.

Lexx’s weapon system fires. A blast of energy strikes the planet, and it explodes into billions of pieces.

INT. BRIDGE. CONTINUOUS.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Lexx, feel free to eat the remains.

(to Stanley)

Keep your moral objections to yourself, janitor. I will inspect your work now. It better be exemplary. Zev, I will expect you in my quarters later.

He exits.

STANLEY

(To Zev)

And you like that guy?

ZEV

Not at all.

STANLEY

But you… you know.

ZEV

I am a Love Slave.

STANLEY

What’s that?

ZEV

I did not always look this way. If you saw me before my transformation you would have been repulsed.

STANLEY

Don’t be so sure. But what do you mean transformation?

ZEV

I was sold into slavery by my husband when I refused his advances. Darnok used a machine called the Lusticon to transform me. It reshaped my body and increased my sex drive. It was also supposed to make me completely devoted to him. But 790 wasn’t familiar enough with the machine to operate it properly. Instead of me falling in love with Darnok, 790 fell in love with me.

STANLEY

The robot is in love with you?

ZEV

Darnok forbids him from showing it, but yes.

STANLEY

If he didn’t have that whip I’d…

ZEV

You would do nothing. You are a coward. Besides, he wields the key to the Lexx. It is a living symbiote that has bound to his body. As long as he lives he controls the Lexx completely.

STANLEY

Where did the Lexx come from?

ZEV

It was bio-engineered by the Divine Shadow to be his ultimate weapon. It is the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. Now, I must prepare for the captain’s advances.

STANLEY

Do you even like… you know.

ZEV

The captain is not a gentle lover.

STANLEY

Damn him.

INT. LEXX. LATER.

Stanley wanders down a hall.

STANLEY

(to himself)

How am I supposed to know where Storage Area 4 is? It’s not like anything is marked in this place.

He wanders into a small room. Inside is a pod device, larger than a human being, with a frosted over glass door as its front. A set of controls is nearby. Stanley walks to them. He ponders the controls. He rests his hand over one of them.

STANLEY

(to himself)

I wonder what this thing does.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

(Over the broadcast system)

Tweedle!

Stanley jumps in surprise and, as he does, he presses the controls.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

(O.S.)

You better not be slacking off. When you finish with Storage Area 4, I have underwear for you to hand wash.

The pod hisses and begins to open. Stanley looks on in shock. A blast of frigid air comes from the pod as it opens to reveal what appears to be a dead body. The man inside is dressed all in black with a head of teased up hair that trails one long trail down the left side of his face.

STANLEY

Oh crap? Did I just open a coffin?

He walks to the body and leans over its pale, cold face. Suddenly the man’s eyes spring open. Stanley jumps back in shock and lets out a girlish cry. The man in the pod, KAI (Anton Yelchin) does not move but speaks in a cold, flat tone.

KAI

Who are you?

STANLEY

(scared)

Stanley Tweedle.

KAI

Where is Captain Darnok?

STANLEY

On the bridge.

KAI

Then he still commands this ship?

STANLEY

Yes.

KAI

Why have you awoken me?

STANLEY

It was an accident, I swear.

KAI

I see.

They stare at each other for a long moment.

STANLEY

Who are you?

KAI

I am Kai, last of the Brunnen-G.

STANLEY

(in disbelief)

The Brunnen-G are a myth.

KAI

No. Once we were a great civilization. Until the coming of the Divine Shadow. We were a peaceful, enlightened race. But that meant nothing to him. He ravaged our world and the few of us who chose to fight back he transformed into his Divine Assassins.

STANLEY

When was this?

KAI

Two thousand years ago.

STANLEY

Then how are you not dead?

KAI

I assure you, I am quite dead.

STANLEY

But you’re talking.

KAI

I was transformed into a man/machine hybrid.

STANLEY

So what are you doing here?

KAI

Captain Darnok uses me to kill people when he is not authorized to simply destroy entire planets.

STANLEY

So you’re on his side.

KAI

I require a substance known as Protoblood to continue to function. Darnok controls the Protoblood so I have no choice but to serve him.

STANLEY

Why not just kill him?

KAI

(ponders)

I suppose I could. Though I have no emotions I do see what Darnok is doing is wrong. But I do not have enough Protoblood to even stand, let alone kill him.

STANLEY

Where does Darnok keep this Protoblood.

KAI

In a freezer in his quarters.

STANLEY

Damn. He’s never allowed me in his quarters.

KAI

I cannot advice you constructively at this juncture. Bring me a supply of Protoblood and I will kill Darnok as you have suggested. I am eminently qualified for that task.

STANLEY

(with determination)

I’ll be back.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE LEXX.

Captain Darnok sits at his command chair looking bored. Zev stands off to one side with 790 behind her.

LEXX

Incoming transmission.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Let me read it.

He glances at his command controls.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Finally, another target. Lexx, take us to Gorian 3.

Zev looks up, surprised.

ZEV

Why?

CAPTAIN DARNOK

We’re going to destroy it.

ZEV

Gorian 3 is my homeworld.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Well, at least your ex-husband won’t be a problem for you anymore.

ZEV

But my mother, my brothers and sisters, are all on that planet!

Darnok gives her a cold stare. Stanley creeps onto the bridge and observes the scene.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

How does that concern me?

ZEV

You have to let me warn them, let them escape.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

So I should risk the wrath of the Divine Shadow for the sake of your pathetic family?

He draws his whip in a flash and lashes out, striking Zev on the stomach. She cries out in pain.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

(with anger)

Never think you can dictate to me what I should or shouldn’t do. Go to my chambers and await me. And believe me, you will not enjoy what comes next.

Zev departs, Darnok noticed Stanley.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Did you finish in Storage Area 4?

STANLEY

What? Uh… yes. All straightened up.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I’ll check on it now. You better have done a good job. Lexx, if I’m not back when we reach Gorian 3, destroy it.

He storms from the bridge, leaving Stanley alone with 790.

STANLEY

So, 790. How about that Zev, eh?

790

You are unworthy to even speak her name.

STANLEY

Too bad the Captain is about to mess her up?

790

Mess her up?

STANLEY

You heard him; he’s going to do something awful to her.

790

He is?

STANLEY

Maybe if you were there you could stop him? Or at least keep him in check.

790

Do you think so?

STANLEY

You have to try, for Zev.

790

For Zev!

790 starts off the bridge and Stanley follows a short distance behind.

INT. LEXX.

790 reaches the captain’s chambers, one of the few rooms on the Lexx with an actual door. Stanley is just behind him. 790 pushes a button on the door. It emits an angry sounding beep.

STANELY

It’s locked?

790

A combination lock.

STANLEY

Can’t you open it?

790

It is a simple matter of attempting all the possible combinations.

STANLEY

You can do that?

790

Unlike you, I have a powerful brain.

790’s fingers move at such speed they become a blur. The door emits a constant angry beep as 790 tries combination after combination.

STANLEY

You better hope we have time.

790

You are at far greater risk than I am. Why are you even here?

STANLEY

Ummm… I have to clean the captain’s undergarments.

790

How pleasant for you.

There is a sudden, pleasant beep and the door slides open. Stanley bursts past 790 into the room.

INT. CAPTAIN’S CHAMBER. CONTINUOUS.

Though the room is the same dark, organic material as the rest of the ship it is decorated opulently. The captain has clearly claimed many spoils of war over his career. A nervous looking Zev sits on a large bed.

ZEV

Stanley? 790? What are you doing here?

STANLEY

Hopefully freeing us all.

He looks around until his eyes fall on the only thing that looks like a freezer in the room. He speeds to it and opens it. It is full of plastic bags, like plasma bags, but full of a black liquid. He pulls one out.

ZEV

Protoblood? You can’t risk it.

STANLEY

Like you said, I’m a coward. But maybe there’s someone on this ship who isn’t.

ZEV

If the captain catches you he’ll kill you.

STANLEY

Probably. But it’s only a matter of time before he does anyway. Wish me luck.

He takes off from the room.

790

I hope he dies soon.

An angry Captain Darknor enters the room.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

790? What are you doing here?

790

Tweedle tricked me.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Tweedle? Why?

790 says nothing. Darknor draws his whip.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

On its highest setting this whip will fry every circuit in your body. Tell me what Tweedle is up to.

790

He took Protoblood.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Protoblood? Kai…

Darnok takes off running after Stanely.

ZEV

Come on 790, we better see this out.

Zev also takes off, with 790 right behind her.

INT. LEXX.

Stanley races down a hall. He reaches a junction and looks around, uncertain.

INT. KAI’S CHAMBER.

Stanley enters the chamber, carrying the Protoblood. He stops short. The captain is waiting for him, whip drawn.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I know this ship far better than you Tweedle.

He lashes out the whip and strikes Stanley in the shoulder. Stanley screams as the electricity courses through him. He drops the Protoblood. Zev and 790 arrive from behind the captain.

790

Oh good, we get to watch him die.

Stanley turns to run, only to have the whip lash around his ankle and trip him.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

That was low setting. Let’s try a few notches higher, shall we?

He adjusts the whip and steps closer to Stanley. Another lash and Stanley screams in agony.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I wonder how many you could survive at that setting. Shall we find out?

STANLEY

(weakly)

Kai, help.

KAI

I cannot help you Stanley. I am sorry.

Another lash, another scream. Stanley is crawling now and Darnok steps over the discarded Protoblood to pursue.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I didn’t think you had it in you to try to kill me, Tweedle Stanley Tweedle. But, of course, you counted on someone else to do it for you.

Another lash. Stanley stops even crawling. Behind him Zev looks on in concern. Suddenly, behind the captain’s back, she rushes forward and grabs the Protoblood.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I grow weary of your pathetic cries. Maximum setting should be enough to kill you.

He adjusts the setting as, behind him, Zev starts emptying the Protoblood into Kai’s mouth.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Zev, see the price of-

(he turns to her)

No!

He rears back the whip, aiming at Zev. Zev looks at him in terror. The whip lashes forward, and 790 steps in its path just in time. Electricity arcs through the robot before his body explodes, sending his head flying.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Damn robot!

He rears back again, but now Kai suddenly moves, pushing Zev out of the way. The whip lashes out and strikes the undead assassin. Though energy surges through his body he seems unaffected.

KAI

Hello Captain.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

You didn’t get much of that Protoblood, Brunnen-G.

Kai raises his arm and a pair of pincers emerges from his wrist.

KAI

Perhaps it will still be enough to kill you.

LEXX

Nearing Gorian 3.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Not now Lexx.

The pincers on Kai’s wrist suddenly fire forward, trailing a wire behind them. They aim straight for the captain’s throat. But he blocks them with the whip. Kai retracts them.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

I just have to wait you out. When your Protoblood runs out you’ll be useless. And then I’m going to fire you into a sun. Maybe that will kill you.

KAI

It might.

Kai fires the pincers again, aimed at the captain’s leg. Once again a flash of the whip knocks them aside. As they retract the captain lashes out with the whip and wraps it around Kai’s ankle. He yanks backward, knocking the assassin to the floor.

ZEV

Come on Kai!

KAI

He is correct; I will soon run out of Protoblood.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Then you all die!

Kai points his wrist weapon at the captain from the ground; the captain rears back his whip ready to block it. But Stanley suddenly jumps on his back, holding his arm.

CAPTAIN DARNOK

Nooooo!

Kai’s weapon flashes forward and locks onto Darnok’s throat. His eyes go wide.

STANLEY

Now it’s you who’s sentenced to death.

There is a red flash and a creature of pure energy leaps from Darnok’s hand to Stanley’s. Stanley’s entire body glows red for a second then returns to normal. There is a sickening crunch as Kai’s pincher’s crush Darnok’s throat. Stanley drops off him. The captain clutches at what was once his windpipe before he collapses forward, dead.

ZEV

(with adoration)

Kai! You did it.

STANLEY

Him? What about me?

ZEV

And 790. He saved my life.

She picks up his head.

790

I love you Zev.

ZEV

He’s still alive.

LEXX

Preparing to exit hyperspace.

ZEV

Stanley! You’ve got the key. We’ve got to get to the bridge.

STANLEY

Right. Which way is that again?

ZEV

(rolling her eyes)

Follow me.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE LEXX.

Zev runs in first, followed by a panting Stanley. On the viewscreen the ship is exiting hyperspace with the planet Gorian 3 in view. The weapons systems begin to charge.

ZEV

Use the command chair! You need to tell Lexx not to blow up the planet.

Stan sits in the chair. He tentatively puts his hand to the command console. It glows red. 

STANLEY

Lexx… ummm… stop. Cancel the order to blow up the planet.

LEXX

What does cancel mean, captain?

It means stop! Don’t blow up the planet!

LEXX

Yes , captain.

The ship comes to a stop. The weapons systems power down. Kai enters the bridge. Zev runs and hugs him with one arm, holding 790 in the other arm.

ZEV

We did it!

STANLEY

How come he gets the hug?

KAI

It would see we have succeeded.

STANLEY

So what, I’ve got the key to the Lexx now?

KAI

When the key sensed mortal danger it jumped to the nearest living thing, you Stanley.

STANLEY

And that means?

ZEV

(turning to him)

It means you now control the most powerful weapon in the galaxy.

STANLEY

That’s awesome.

KAI

It also means you have stolen it from his Divine Shadow. It’s only a matter of time before you become the most wanted man in the galaxy as well.

STANLEY

Just my luck! I finally catch a break and it comes with a giant target on my forehead. So what do we do now?

790

You could try taking the ship to his Divine Shadow and begging forgiveness.

STANLEY

Do you think that would work?

790

No, but it would be fun to watch you die.

ZEV

You could try to run. But his Divine Shadow controls 2/3 of the galaxy. It would be a long run.

STANLEY

That’s still the best idea I’ve heard so far. Zev I suppose you want off.

ZEV

No, I’d be a criminal on my homeworld too. Besides-

(she looks at Kai with longing, Kai does not notice)

I have my reasons to stay.

STANLEY

Fine, Lexx, take us into hyperspace.

LEXX

Yes, captain.

STANLEY

Just call me Stan.

LEXX

Yes, captain Stan.

STANLEY

Just Stan.

LEXX

Yes, Just Stan.

STANLEY

(with a sigh)

Did the captain keep any booze on board?


End file.
